Written March 12, 2010 11:34 pm
(From CaringBridge Page)
** Long Journal Entry Folks **
Today (especially tonight) has been one of the most incredible, exhilarating, scary, terrifying days of my life...
Alicia & Shelly (and a little later Daniel) were up at the hospital all day until the 7:00 pm shift exchange waiting for a sign of output that still did not yet come. On the way to the hospital we talked about the "what ifs" & how Alicia wanted to handle which cemetery, burial vs. cremation, when & how to do a service & how to pay for it as we are extremely financially limited now. We also talked about in case he did turn the corner getting him through to the next milestone of backing off to the standard ventilator to get ready for surgery and so on. We also discussed if she wanted him baptized since she is not super religious. Pretty heavy topics.
No sooner did we get up to the hospital the staff was having the discussion of did she want a DNR (do not resuscitate) order added if his heart stopped & did she want to hold him? They had brought up the subject of holding him the night before but since that meant that it was highly likely he would code in the process & he could die in her arms so she elected not to. Now with no progress made toward output it seemed more likely we were not going to see a restart of the kidney function & it might be time to let him go.
One of her biggest dreams had been to hold him but was she willing to risk loosing him in the process? All day she debated within herself the positives of maybe it would make him relax enough to kick start the kidneys & calm his heart which is not getting good blood flow to the kidneys as well as fulfilling her dream and the negatives of him crashing & dying in her arms (which could have been a positive of sorts as well as he would have been there in her love).
Daniel headed home to run errands & feed the cats while Alicia ate dinner & I moved the van to the evening exit door area & when I got back Alicia announced she was going to hold him when we got back up. I was taken aback at the sudden decision & realized we could loose him TONIGHT. As much as I support what ever decision she makes I found myself immediately struck with fear.
As we went to the unit there was a nervous quiet calm about her while I was just terrified. She told the nurse of her decision & they started immediately get things in place. She also requested to have the baby baptized before he was moved just in case he passed. The chaplain came up & did a beautiful baptism which I videotaped & they started moving stuff to get ready for the move.
As every minute ticked closer to the move my dread grew almost exponentially. I tried to get the video camera ready in a futile effort to keep myself busy & distracted then started taping as they started moving him. I swear my heart stopped. As they moved him his numbers looked fine & they laid him on Alicia's lap. I waited for the shoe to drop expecting any minute alarms to start blaring but they never did. She held him for almost 15 minutes singing & talking to him & loving on him before her arm & overall tiredness let her know it was time to go back up & then the terror started again as they moved him back. The whole time from start to finish his numbers were good & it was almost like he was saying "What's the big deal folks?" Amazing! Alicia went to stay in a parent’s room they have for her for the night & after another hour grandma went home to write this entry.
He is still with us fighting, but what will he do on Saturday...
Today (especially tonight) has been one of the most incredible, exhilarating, scary, terrifying days of my life...
Alicia & Shelly (and a little later Daniel) were up at the hospital all day until the 7:00 pm shift exchange waiting for a sign of output that still did not yet come. On the way to the hospital we talked about the "what ifs" & how Alicia wanted to handle which cemetery, burial vs. cremation, when & how to do a service & how to pay for it as we are extremely financially limited now. We also talked about in case he did turn the corner getting him through to the next milestone of backing off to the standard ventilator to get ready for surgery and so on. We also discussed if she wanted him baptized since she is not super religious. Pretty heavy topics.
No sooner did we get up to the hospital the staff was having the discussion of did she want a DNR (do not resuscitate) order added if his heart stopped & did she want to hold him? They had brought up the subject of holding him the night before but since that meant that it was highly likely he would code in the process & he could die in her arms so she elected not to. Now with no progress made toward output it seemed more likely we were not going to see a restart of the kidney function & it might be time to let him go.
One of her biggest dreams had been to hold him but was she willing to risk loosing him in the process? All day she debated within herself the positives of maybe it would make him relax enough to kick start the kidneys & calm his heart which is not getting good blood flow to the kidneys as well as fulfilling her dream and the negatives of him crashing & dying in her arms (which could have been a positive of sorts as well as he would have been there in her love).
Daniel headed home to run errands & feed the cats while Alicia ate dinner & I moved the van to the evening exit door area & when I got back Alicia announced she was going to hold him when we got back up. I was taken aback at the sudden decision & realized we could loose him TONIGHT. As much as I support what ever decision she makes I found myself immediately struck with fear.
As we went to the unit there was a nervous quiet calm about her while I was just terrified. She told the nurse of her decision & they started immediately get things in place. She also requested to have the baby baptized before he was moved just in case he passed. The chaplain came up & did a beautiful baptism which I videotaped & they started moving stuff to get ready for the move.
As every minute ticked closer to the move my dread grew almost exponentially. I tried to get the video camera ready in a futile effort to keep myself busy & distracted then started taping as they started moving him. I swear my heart stopped. As they moved him his numbers looked fine & they laid him on Alicia's lap. I waited for the shoe to drop expecting any minute alarms to start blaring but they never did. She held him for almost 15 minutes singing & talking to him & loving on him before her arm & overall tiredness let her know it was time to go back up & then the terror started again as they moved him back. The whole time from start to finish his numbers were good & it was almost like he was saying "What's the big deal folks?" Amazing! Alicia went to stay in a parent’s room they have for her for the night & after another hour grandma went home to write this entry.
He is still with us fighting, but what will he do on Saturday...
No comments:
Post a Comment